Phantom Visions

Revisiting past trauma never worked out better than Phantom Visions.

As mentioned in my notes for 18, my original intent going into this project was to rip off the SNSZ format from Weezer. It’s something that would’ve entailed releasing a mini group of lyrics for the first day of every season and resulted in a lot more work. While the idea ultimately fizzled out because of how restrictive it was, my decision to write about a past year in my life did create some interesting results.

Taking my strongest material from the seasonal approach before ditching it, a large chunk of the grouping was already decided. Every Night Is An Adventure was brought forward from spring, Dreaming Of Foxes, Stranger Days and an early version of Walking Through The Dark came from autumn. In addition, Birthday Candles and Until It’s Finally Replaced were originally intended for winter. Afterwards, the first thing I wrote was Every Yesterday and it broke open the mood I wanted for the remaining lyrics.

Seeing Is Believing evolved over time with Epilogue being the last thing I wrote. With Kitchen however, its inclusion materialized unexpectedly. Existing since at least 2005, the piece was most recently attempted during the For Those Left Behind and Diurnal writing sessions. For whatever reason, they just never worked out until a lightbulb came on and the pieces fell into place this time around..

Once final cuts were made and I decided which order everything would appear in, lyrics got sent off to my friend and lyric guru extraordinaire, Carol. To my surprise, only half of what I’d written needed further polishing so we worked in collaboration on Birthday Candles, Every Night Is An Adventure, Kitchen, Until It’s Finally Replaced and Stranger Days. (Aside from the second last title on that list, the most anything needed was a couple of edits.)

The end result is a group of lyrics that loosely cover the last for months of a year in my life. Is it a sliding timeline combining several things together? Maybe, but what’s the fun in truly answering a question like that?

(Fun fact though: The title Phantom Visions comes from a term used to describe the things blind people may “see” after losing their vision.)

Lyrics Content

01. Birthday Candles

02. Every Night Is An Adventure

03. Dreaming Of Foxes

04. Walking Through The Dark

05. Seeing Is Believing

06. Kitchen

07. Every Yesterday

08. Until It’s Finally Replaced

09. Stranger Days

10. Epilogue

Birthday Candles

Blow out these candles

Now what do you see?

Shrouded in darkness

How bad could it be?

Blind without vision

Or maybe it’s just me

Count on each finger

I’ve crawled to nineteen

Nursing this bottle

So light on my feet

No double vision

But now it’s hard to speak

Give me a sign, I keep finding it’s too much to handle

With smoke in my face, I can’t hide this disgrace, I’m in shambles

I’m in shambles, birthday candles…

Basement parties, friends departing and then

Left collapsing with no reactions that land

Body broken, words get spoken off hand

Searching through questions without intervention

They can’t comprehend my demands

Give me a sign, I keep finding it’s too much to handle

With smoke in my face, I can’t hide this disgrace, I’m in shambles

I’m in shambles, birthday candles…

Blow out these candles

Now what do you see?

Shrouded in darkness

How bad could it be?

Back to lyrics content

Every Night Is An Adventure

Even though I didn’t want this

You lie steady for the kill

Every night is an adventure

Drawn so infinite and still

I’m aware it’s self-defeating

God, there’s so much I should doubt

But in search of some attention

No objections leave our mouths

Every night is an adventure

In my heart it carries through

Every night is an adventure

Every single moment spent with you

While our innocence can’t save us

I’m not sure if I still care

In the daylight we could see it

Now there’s darkness everywhere

Stretching out beyond the shadows

Framing stars back into view

With no reasons left to fight it

I could lose myself in you

Every night is an adventure

In my heart I swear it’s true

Every night is an adventure

Every single moment spent with you

Pathways once forsaken, twists and turns we’ve taken

Am I finally breaking through?

Both our heartbeats pounding, holding breaths and counting

Even though we’re bound to lose

Every night is an adventure

But in my heart I know the truth

Every night is an adventure

Every single moment spent with you

Every single moment’s been abused…

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Dreaming Of Foxes

Something blocks the path ahead

I don’t know what it is

My vision’s getting so obscured

As daylight starts to dim

I’ve done my best to stay awake

But nothing here makes sense

So pretty soon I’ll drift to sleep

Again, again, again

I’m dreaming of foxes

Been searching for some evidence

Don’t know where I’m going

There’s nothing left to see

I’m dreaming of foxes

While slipping out of consciousness

Not sure if I’ll make it

It has to be a dream

It has to be…

Every time I turn around

Unsure of what comes next

A distant figure lies in wait

Residing in my head

I try my best to stay awake, try my best to stay awake

Try my best to stay awake again, again, again

I’m dreaming of foxes

Been searching for some evidence

Don’t know where I’m going

There’s nothing left to see

I’m dreaming of foxes

While slipping out of consciousness

Not sure if I’ll make it

It has to be a dream

Kept so calm with circles drawn

I’ve come around but not for long

Pretty soon I’ll be dissected again

Under shrouds our memories drown

As time goes by, these losses mount

Far away from any family or friends

I’m dreaming of foxes

Been searching for some evidence

Don’t know where I’m going

There’s nothing left to see

I’m dreaming of foxes

While slipping out of consciousness

Not sure if I’ll make it

It has to be a dream

It has to be…

It has to be a dream, it has to be a dream

It has to, it has to, it has to be….

It has to be a dream

Now you’re not here with me

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Walking Through The Dark

I’ve been playing out each reason

Sorting through my deepest fears

Caught in place until they’ve festered

Blown apart while still unclear

Finding paths beyond the headlights

Stepping out on hallowed ground

Now there isn’t much to witness

Only spirits that I can’t quite figure out

No one knows what I’ve been building

My greatest secrets kept so guarded all this time

Nursing myths to make a killing

Projecting trauma I could never leave behind

Holding back to get some distance

Every truth in disrepair

Now I feed on haunted seasons

Put in motion by the things we never shared

Drawing up plans in the blink of an eye

An artist of movement retracing each line

For years to be acting like everything’s fine with emotions I don’t understand

No one knows what I’ve been building

My greatest secrets kept so guarded all this time

Nursing myths to make a killing

Projecting trauma I could never leave behind

It’s all a state of mind

I’ve held onto feelings that keep on repeating

Until I don’t know what they mean anymore

Resulting in madness, a new social status

It isn’t so bad if you weather the storm

From new contradictions, our wars of attrition

Beyond what exists when we’re broken apart

But still it feels strange to find everyone’s changing

With no one to blame as I walk through the dark

I’ll keep walking through the dark

I’ll keep walking through…

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Seeing Is Believing

Reaching out for signs

Lost in rolling storms

Pressures slowly climb

While past mistakes contort

Nothing comes too quick

Watching days drift off

Far apart and sick

I’m barely keeping up

Seeing is believing

Now it seems my faith’s long gone

Seeing is believing

But this life goes on and on

This life goes on and on

Sheltered from our past

Weakened and confused

Begging for resolve

I’m only passing through

Nothing stays the same

Even though we’ve tried

Grasping at some words

Beyond these autumn skies

Seeing is believing

Now it seems my faith’s long gone

Seeing is believing

But this life goes on and on

This life goes on and on

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Kitchen

Last night I had a dream

It was the strangest dream of you

Once sheltered in slumber, hiding unencumbered

Pushed awake with such abuse

Now the thing about this dream

Is that it simply couldn’t be

With our future reset, disproving each regret

It was not reality

As this empty living room slowly fell into ruin

You’d ventured off to cry in the kitchen

Apart in your heart, always sitting alone

When the answer came from trying to listen

So I struggled to my feet

Before collapsing down the hall

Projecting deflection, not paying attention

But I thought I heard you call

I thought I heard you call

As this empty living room slowly fell into ruin

You’d ventured off to cry in the kitchen

Apart in your heart, always sitting alone

When the answer came from trying to listen

It was lost in the truth we could never command

While running to escape what had slipped through our hands

Laughing in the silence as the past was replaced

Couldn’t find understanding, ain’t it all such a waste?

In ignoring what remains

We’re left so dead behind the eyes

Repressing this anger, coming back like strangers

But it isn’t a surprise

It isn’t a surprise

As this empty living room slowly fell into ruin

You’d ventured off to cry in the kitchen

Apart in your heart, always sitting alone

When the answer came from trying to listen

The answer came from trying to listen

Last night I had a dream

It was the strangest dream of you

Once sheltered in slumber, hiding unencumbered

Now it’s time to face the truth

It’s time to face the truth

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Every Yesterday

As leaves keep turning

Our season’s burning

We’re almost gone now

Like stars that blow out

In time we’re frozen

With words unspoken

No thoughts conflated

Alone and waiting

We’re falling in line

Or falling apart

I take a deep breath

It’s breaking my heart

Nothing but static

I’ve lost you again

Caught up in wonder

Now what’s to defend?

Everything decays in the end

Eye of the beholder, master and controller

What’s the point in trying to pretend?

I’m running out of things to say

Running out of things to say

I wish there was another way

Erasing every yesterday

I’m running out of things to say

Running out of things to say

I wish there was another way

Erasing every yesterday

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Until It’s Finally Replaced

Searching through the angles

Looking for a reason why we exist

Caught up in a fable

I’m finding that these lies are hard to resist

Now everybody, everybody’s the same

Treason changing like seasons, all of them leaving to try and remain

But I’ve still got a fixture

I’ve still got a fixture pinning me down

I’ll frame a mental picture

Show how much I missed her up until now

My brain keeps changing, brain keeps changing her face

So maybe I can dream on repeat until it’s finally replaced

Flipping through our choices

Wishing there was more we both could’ve done

Can’t it be avoided?

I’m finding that the truth is hard to outrun

Now everybody, everybody’s the same

Seasons changing each reason, all of them leaving to try and remain

But I’ve still got a fixture

I’ve still got a fixture pinning me down

I’ll frame a mental picture

Show how much I missed her up until now

My brain keeps changing, brain keeps changing her face

So maybe I can dream on repeat until it’s finally replaced

Brown hair, red hair, violet eyes, blue

Mixing every colour as I paint something new

Blonde hair, orange hair, green eyes, brown

I’ll stage a perfect image just to spin it around

Black hair, brown hair, blue eyes, green

Switching out the details of a figure unseen

Red hair, dirty blonde, brown eyes, grey

It never washes away, I still can’t wash her away now

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Stranger Days

Before the frost starts creeping in

There’s one last song the raven sings

Far beyond these crowded halls

Our old concerns have since dissolved

Squared up with the past, now our parts have been cast

Staring out at the sky as it starts flooding back

Now these stranger days have come

Returning home as thoughts collide

I’ll dream of you with tired eyes

Settled in as daylight shifts

It’s hard to tell if I exist

From whispers unheard, every lie we assert

Standing over our graves as some memories revert

Now these stranger days have come

I keep thinking of you, I keep thinking of you

I keep thinking of you once again

Broke down in November, slowly picked up the phone

We talked for an hour before I left you alone

Drifting awake with so much on my mind

Everything’s changed though I’m frozen in time

Many people visited but few of them stayed

While it isn’t ideal, in the end it’s okay

In the end it’s okay

What else can I say?

Now what would you speak of if given the chance?

Some feelings of love you received second hand

It’s hard not to wonder what falsehoods remain

With gestures of kindness I still can’t explain

Suspended in motion like photos in glass

We capture these moments as each one moves past

From every impression that’s born to decay

I’ll learn to move on once you’ve faded away but

Now these stranger days, now these stranger days

Now these stranger days have come

Now these stranger days, now these stranger days

Now these stranger days have come

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Epilogue

Forget what’s far behind

No false flags to adorn

With every wire crossed

Defectively, I’m yours

Emotions now released

As everyone departs

I’ll let go of this grief

While sitting in the dark

Projected light moves quickly

Skipping names to start anew

In a scene that shows what’s coming

Every frame left to review

I’ll be waiting, I’ll be listening

I’ll be sure that I’m not missing

I’ll be waiting, I’ll be listening for some proof

I’ll be waiting, I’ll be listening

I’ll be sure that I’m not missing

I’ll be waiting, I’ll be listening for the truth

In something new

Something new…

In something new

Something new

I’ll be waiting, I’ll be listening for some proof

I’ll be waiting, I’ll be listening for the truth

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